....couldn't give this post a title
I'm pretty sure that I've made that word up. But I would use it to sum myself up. No matter what's going on, or the set of cards I get dealt, I have the ability to bounce back and make sure that my cup is half full.
I've really found it hard to be subjectively creative with my writing lately because there's only one thing I've wanted to write about, but I have always feared being an oversharer. Anyone on any of my social media would raise an eyebrow, because I am definitely a heavy presence on there, but I actually have about 38 saved drafts of things I want to put up but decide that maybe people have had enough of me for one week so leave it for just the cloud to be treated to my wit.
Even now, I'm digressing because I don't actually want to get to the point.
I have a tormentor at the moment. It's been my demon for the last 18 months. It's been my silent obsession and secret compulsion. It has been giving me the ability to alienate people because I have become a nause on the topic. It has been my online addiction and midnight scrolling dirty secret. No matter what has been going on in life right now, I have only been one foot in, not dedicating to social plans because I thought I would need to cancel. I've become bitter in others fortune and good news. I've over compensated in excitement when really I've just wanted to say "oh woohoo, now kindly go jump off a cliff". I've been hopelessly positive, with still no reward. And I've not wanted to write this because month after month, I was convinced, well, that I wouldn't need to,
And this situation is not a rare one to me, it is not even rare that people write about even though it is a "taboo" and when people bring it up its apparently brave. I don't think it is, I think its because either they're in a position to talk about out because things have turned out ok, or they've just had e-bloody-nough, so they have nothing to lose anyway.
Still haven't said the issue have I.
I've been desperate ( yes desperate) to be a Mom for years. And although I was never in the right place or position, I have found that in the last 2 years, I have been. And yet, I'm still not.
I roll my eyes when I think of a conversation I had with my cousin aged around 12, "Yeah I think I'll have 3 kids, all before I'm 26 because I want to be young enough to enjoy my kids" What a naive douche, but also that's such a weird sentiment, I'm pretty sure that's someone else's thought process.
But back then, it was as easy as, that's how you have kids right, when your ready, pop a few out and crack on.
All we've had is hopes, full starts, tears, phantoms and symptom after symptom which in hindsight was probably just the stress. We've had tests because of our age and long we've been trying and just keep waiting and hoping. The cruelest part was finally seeing those mythical two lines, only for it to come to an abrupt end the next day. Not before we crowed about it (out of relief and excitement) to the ones that have been apart of this exhausting journey with us. Man having to retract it was maybe the hardest thing I've had to do in my 31 years.
Hubz looked over my shoulder the other day, and said, "No wonder its so hard on you, your FB is baby after baby after baby." I love baby spam, I don't think anyone should be apologetic for wanting to share happiness with the world, and I mean that with everything, love, marriage, jobs, friend nights out. Share the love people, but whether we like it or not there will be someone wanting what someone else has. It's just a fact of life, that's probably why is was one of the 10 commandments (basically don't covet what your neighbour has), jealousy and resentment for what other lives have has been around since day dot. I'm sure there's someone who's thinking, I'd kill for what you have Nikki. And that's why I think I struggle with feeling sorry for myself so I ignore those emotions, problem with that is you're never addressing the thoughts, just suppressing. And thats when the shaken fizzy bottle eruption can happen.
Random Things I've been doing
- Spent way too much money on pregnancy tests
- Convinced myself that every tiny symptom is an early pregnancy one
- Told a least one person that I can feel it this month
- Talked about it excessively
- Stuck my head in the sand with investigations
- Not spoken about it when I really needed to
- Excessive internet searching
- Following social media 'Mama's
- Thought of nothing else
I'm fully aware this blog is all over the place and doesn't make sense. I considered rewriting it, but actually, this is how I feel at the moment. All over the shop
It'a also taken me 3 hours and a blog usually takes me about an hour and a bit including editing and proof reading.
I feel a little better now, so I don't know if I'll publish, maybe this is just for me.
I found this in my note section of my phone, it's where I keep all my scribbles for blog ideas. I haven't written poetry for years, I dont even remember writing it, but I know I did and clearly needed to.
Sex was once a pleasure
Now it's timed
It's an argument
It's a chore
It's heart stopping
It's heart. Stopping
It's hope full
It's hopefully different this time.
I'd like to disclaimer that all of these emotions come from me, Hubz is just A+ supportive. I'd wonder what goes through his head? (other than my wife is bat shit crazy). I'm off to give myself a break.