.... knew my procrastinations got in the way of my resolutions
Ah December 28th, you vile beast. The time that we have been struck down by a cheese and pigs in blanket filled haze, coupled with the confusion of having zero idea what day it is. I mean seriously, what day is it?
It's that day when everything feels a little tighter (trousers and purse strings), but also mindsets seem sharper. More reminiscent. More focused to right the wrongs of the year gone by and make peace with that January 'R" word.
I always thought I was a glass half full kind of person, because I like a joke and a giggle. It's only since being with the Hubz that I have realised, he is a genuine half fuller. Mine is mainly less than half empty whilst desperately trying to see it and present it to others as full.
Looking back over the year, I've only been able to see the negatives. School being ridiculously stressful, rupturing my achilles, Hubz going through a redundancy to name a few. What's insane is so so SO much more good things have happened, but for some reason I am once again rating my year on my failures and non starters. Things that I have promised myself to do, and have just spoken about it rather than actually getting on and doing it.
That's because my life is based on a fairly balanced diet of intention and procrastination. I've yet to see the subscription boxes that I know would be amazing. No sight of the teaching podcast. Still 3 stone overweight. The hilarious book I started to write about a black girl going reminiscing on a series of romantic university disasters whilst living in her rural bliss (this book is no means autobiographical...) sits at chapter 3 and has moved no further. The poetic children's book I wrote remains unillustrated and unpublished (to be fair I can't draw for toffee so that was always a nonstarter). The wedding video that I started editing in March, although basically finished, still hasn't been exported. Artwork I've designed for the house and for my friends remain a photoshop JPEG.
Yet as frustrating as that paragraph sounds, am I likely to change anytime soon? Unfortunately, I really don't think so. I am rocket powered by "Eureka" moments, fuelled by good intentions and interest, before I inevitably burn out and I am left wondering about the things that never were. But surely we're all like that to some extent right, or else we would all be fiercely successful and all living in Mayfair. We're just not very good at giving ourselves a break about it but rather will beat ourselves up.
Some people make their life look the way they want it because of luck, others because of sheer grit and determination and others because they're happy with their lot in life.
I think I fall into the second camp, just with depleted energy reserves to maintain it, because damn it's hard to keep it all together in this day and age. (Eff you impossible instalife).
Yeah so basically, I'm making no resolutions this year. I think I honestly need to give myself a break. I've achieved a lot at break neck speeds and a lot has happened in the last 3 years alone. A home owner, a cat owner (say what?!), A Wife, an Assistant Head...
Yup I resolve to try my hardest to be laid back (oxymoron?) and forgive myself for not keeping all my plates spinning. And if I do eventually make any resolutions come June time, thats ok too, I'm a procrastinator right, I'll get to them in good time...maybe!
And actually 2017 wasn't all that bad, my camera roll told me so!